What to do when you don't know what to do next?

This is an interesting time for me - I have nothing to do.

Well, technically, that's not true. There are always things to do, or so the wise woman who raised me told me. The aforementioned "something to do" refers to the money-making kind, or the life-advancing kind (I don't even know what that means), or, maybe, the leading-you-to-success kind. I need a purpose, and I can't really figure what that purpose should look like. Can my next goal kindly stand up and wave your hands at me? Forget that. Wave a couple of bright, tall, flashing neon lights instead, just in case.

Life is slow here in the country. I navigate through the occasional delicate, emotional situations, yes; but besides a heightened hearing and an increasingly strong heart, I think my senses have dulled quite a bit. It surprises me sometimes - how easily I am letting things fall aside, allowing plans to slide. It's unnerving.


The next step to success. I wonder what "success" means. Yes, I've read enough motivational/ philosophical books to know that success is what I make it. It's different for everyone. I wonder what everyone's definition of "success" is. Be rich? Be famous? Be powerful? Have a house, a car, two kids, and a dog? Maybe I should start a forum and collect everyone's milestones for success. That would actually be fun. And maybe I will read through them and pick my favourite ones, and... heck I don't know what I would do with them. I don't know what my own success is. I can't really picture it. I don't have a huge career ambition. I want money (who doesn't); but not ridiculously wealthy. I've never thought about being famous or powerful. As to my thought on the suburban dream? Well, that probably deserves its own blog entry.

What do I really want? I want the world to be at peace, with one another and with nature; I want everyone to respect everyone else; I want my family to be healthy and happy. My top three wishes, no joke.

I am shaking my head at what I just typed. I should join a pageant. Wiser, kinder souls have tried their hands at the first two without much to show for it. I am trying to work on the third one, but not doing a very good job of it. So, waking up and moving on to more realistic talks.

I need to find something to occupy my time. Something that would force me to go "onward and upward". Maybe a job is what I need. Or a trip (yeah, I might even make it the soul-searching kind! Damn, sarcasm does not transfer well to blog posts). Or a lover. Or a move (decided not to leave this little place for the next while). Or a volunteer post. Or write a blog!

I know! The next thing I should do now that I don't know what to do is to figure out what I have to do. That's it.

=========================================================
This post is way too long for not having a point. Oh well, it's because I have nothing to do.

Things I know about life

There are times, when I am so overly confident, feel so extremely capable - to the point of near arrogance (or total ignorance) - that I think I have this "life" thing figured out. You know, that hair split of a second when you think you understand all the intelligent-sounding quotes created by intelligent-sounding famous people before you; and that you have applied all of those wise words to everything you do. Oh, those dangerous hair split moments.

And then I'd get a reality check. Loud and clear, and very, very difficult to ignore; ear plugs or no.

At least I have enough sense to know by now that I can't just figure out life, even if everything really does boil down to 42. With my intelligence level, life is the equivalent of me trying to understand what the heck P versus NP is, and then solving it. The realization is a tough pill to swallow, especially when times are tough and the universe seems to be plotting against me. Most of the time though, I do try to regard this as a blessing. It means that I will always have something to learn - whether I like it or not. In some weird way, it also rests my mind to know that I am only part-way through my life apprenticeship. It implies that it's not yet too late for me to try new things out and to pursue what I want. To be always learning also carry a small perk: if you're still learning, then you're allowed to make mistakes, expected to, actually. That's almost like a get out of jail free card.

Long story short, I'm writing this blog to try and work out the things I still don't know about life. Writing and rambling tends to help me think, so that's what I'm hoping this blog will help me achieve. Expect ranting and maybe a few sentimental reckonings along with a couple verbal diarrheas too though; they are not pretty, but I hear they are healthy, and makes you hate life a little bit less in times of need.

Here we go.